Deleted

On May 7, at 9:43 am I was deleted. Don't worry, I'm physically fine and the IRS still knows I exist. But otherwise, I'm done. Gone. In someone's mind I never existed.

I had been seeing a man, it was still in the discovery stages, and so things can go either way in those early days. Well, for me it hadn't gone. I enjoyed his company, but overall I wasn't thinking of our relationship growing into much more than a friendship. So, last time we talked to arrange a meeting, we planned on dinner, I made my intentions clear. Dinner, great. His company, fun, but relationship, is not happening. So, the morning of said dinner, I text him "Still up 4 dinner?"

I get this back:
From (his name)
message to (his number)
deleted.
may 7, 9:43 am

I've been deleted. How do you respond to that? Well, in a zen way you can't. If one is deleted, one doesn't exist, ergo one has no means of responding. If a deleted person shouts in the woods, does anyone here it?

It's not the first time I've experienced a deletion. There was Dave. He and I had been dating for about 2-years. One night, he was visiting for the weekend and I had plans to go out, one of my friends showed up and Dave was there. She politely said: "oh, you're Dave, I've heard so much about you..." That night when I came home, Dave was gone. No motorcycle. No backpack, No signs of him at all. As though he had been deleted, I e-mailed him that night and it came back, his account closed. He didn't have a phone, so I couldn't call. He had deleted himself. He felt it was better that way now that others new everything about him.

Imagine where we would be if everyone who was scorned could just delete any trace of the cause of their pain. We would have no idea who Heathcliff was. Deleted. Romeo and Juliet deleted themselves. King Henry VIII had his own methods of deletion. And I bet Mia Farrow wishes she could have deleted Woody Allen. Now that we're the digital age, all you have to do is empty your inbox, and poof, all the pain, in the trash. And all the history, future novels, movies and romantic stories, gone. I recently saw a survey how long does one keep the phone numbers of old boyfriends in their phone? And some said they're gone almost right away. Others feel the need to hang on to it for a while. I don't want to speculate on what early deletion vs the lingering means, but I'm sure there's a study somewhere with those answers.

Meanwhile, today, for the first time to my knowledge, I was deleted. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's the ultimate rejection, even if brought on by rejection. But to be erased, obliterated, gone, expunged, removed, scratched, wiped off the face of the earth, well its' downright insulting.

It is quick, complete and saves me from dealing with someone I wasn't that interested in to begin with, but being deleted. Well, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be banned to the ultimate trash can in the sky.