Happy Birthday Weekend To Me!

This is my birthday weekend, and I have very little to say. Sorry. I'm known as the Lizzie Borden of Davis & Company, since most the past two weeks have been spent firing people, that will make one feel really good about one's self. So, now I shall begin to re-build my department at the agency. (Anyone know a good writer and web designer who want to live and work in Virginia Beach?) My garden looks great, I will post some photo's later. The garden is probably my best accomplishment at the moment. It brings me great satisfaction, it's rewarding me with wonderful blooms, and fantastic color. And it's rather peaceful to go outside right now. June is probably my favorite month. All the flowers look wonderful, the weather is still cool enough for windows only, the mosquitos are just barely feeding, and it's my birthday. What more can a girl ask for.

Basically, I have a pretty tame life, in-spite of my daughter's claim that "I live like a rock star" More like a librarian, I would think. But then, oh well, perception is larger than reality sometimes.

Speaking of perception, can anyone tell me why this book by Scott McClellan is news. Why is it news to anyone that Bush spined the truth, and used propaganda to sell the Iraq war? I know, I shouldn't get political, but give me a break. The media is acting like kids who grow up and find out their parents DON"T know everything. I'm to the point I can't watch the news anymore.

And, where's our sense of humor? You know that new preacher who just got Obahma in trouble again, you have to admit, and I like Hillary clinton, but if you saw the excerpts from his sermon, you had to l laugh. It was funny!

Geez, we all need to laugh some more.

I'm off to Urbana for a dinner party tonight, so I plan to have nice time, in spite of the fact, I really don't want to go. And that shall begin my birthday weekend.

MOM is for Me On Myown

Mother's Day, came and went. I've never been a big fan. It's nice my kids remember me, but I'm not so sure we need one day set aside for us moms. Heard from Alexis and Jessica, Nicole had sent her regards earlier, since going up mountains, access to the web in Napal was going to be an issue. So I was basically on my own. Spin at 8am, then home to work out my recent innovation on a watering systems for my garden. It didn't' work. By mid-day I had wrapped it up, both because of failure and rain. Showered, read, slept, read....I couldn't help but contrast this mother's day to other's. Most mothers were in the throws of making sure everyone else was happy. And here i was, just me, a true self indulgent mother's day. I decided to be thankful for that, and think about all the thanks I get all year. Like when Nicole tells me while up a mountain in Nepal, she got sick and called for me. Or when my married daughter calls me, when she needs someone to chat to or vent when having a bad day. Or when my step daughter goes out of her way to also recognize me, and thank me for her involvement in her life. If I were to have achieved anything in my life, it would be to have been half the mother mine was. And there are many times I realize, she would be proud. My children give me feedback all year long. True when they were young I always questioned what I was doing, you never think you're getting it right. Just the day before I was talking with a mom of four, and she is in the throws now of watching her oldest approach the teen years. Her questioning days just beginning. I feel for her.

And back to my mother's day. Later in the day, one more person I mother called and invited me out for a martini, his treat. Yes, Mark. We had a martini, then chinese food, take out, of course, then I was snug in bed by my usual time. Perfect day. And today is my mom's birthday. So for her, let me say, I think I did it. I always felt that if I could be half the mother mine was, I would have achieved success. I think I'm happy with what I've done, better yet, my mother would be proud.


mom

Deleted

On May 7, at 9:43 am I was deleted. Don't worry, I'm physically fine and the IRS still knows I exist. But otherwise, I'm done. Gone. In someone's mind I never existed.

I had been seeing a man, it was still in the discovery stages, and so things can go either way in those early days. Well, for me it hadn't gone. I enjoyed his company, but overall I wasn't thinking of our relationship growing into much more than a friendship. So, last time we talked to arrange a meeting, we planned on dinner, I made my intentions clear. Dinner, great. His company, fun, but relationship, is not happening. So, the morning of said dinner, I text him "Still up 4 dinner?"

I get this back:
From (his name)
message to (his number)
deleted.
may 7, 9:43 am

I've been deleted. How do you respond to that? Well, in a zen way you can't. If one is deleted, one doesn't exist, ergo one has no means of responding. If a deleted person shouts in the woods, does anyone here it?

It's not the first time I've experienced a deletion. There was Dave. He and I had been dating for about 2-years. One night, he was visiting for the weekend and I had plans to go out, one of my friends showed up and Dave was there. She politely said: "oh, you're Dave, I've heard so much about you..." That night when I came home, Dave was gone. No motorcycle. No backpack, No signs of him at all. As though he had been deleted, I e-mailed him that night and it came back, his account closed. He didn't have a phone, so I couldn't call. He had deleted himself. He felt it was better that way now that others new everything about him.

Imagine where we would be if everyone who was scorned could just delete any trace of the cause of their pain. We would have no idea who Heathcliff was. Deleted. Romeo and Juliet deleted themselves. King Henry VIII had his own methods of deletion. And I bet Mia Farrow wishes she could have deleted Woody Allen. Now that we're the digital age, all you have to do is empty your inbox, and poof, all the pain, in the trash. And all the history, future novels, movies and romantic stories, gone. I recently saw a survey how long does one keep the phone numbers of old boyfriends in their phone? And some said they're gone almost right away. Others feel the need to hang on to it for a while. I don't want to speculate on what early deletion vs the lingering means, but I'm sure there's a study somewhere with those answers.

Meanwhile, today, for the first time to my knowledge, I was deleted. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's the ultimate rejection, even if brought on by rejection. But to be erased, obliterated, gone, expunged, removed, scratched, wiped off the face of the earth, well its' downright insulting.

It is quick, complete and saves me from dealing with someone I wasn't that interested in to begin with, but being deleted. Well, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be banned to the ultimate trash can in the sky.

Derby Day

All week, well actually all last month, I've known this is Derby Day. Once you've lived through the fever of the pre-derby hoopla, it's in your system forever. Almost every year since I came back from Louisville I would throw a derby party. Mint juleps, plenty of food and so on. Of course, my dad would come too. He so looked forward to it. He would sit and hold court, tell tails of betting and horse racing, including the one where he overheard a tip, and took his last dollars to win money to get our mother out of the hospital after a car accident where she had miscarried. Just one more wonderful peek into how truly crazy our father really was. Like those horses, he seemed to be bread for speed and winning, regardless of consequences. And if one could liken our mother to anyone in that equation, i suspect she's the jockey. Knowing when to push, when to pull up on the reins and how to guide the beast to his final goal. After her death, my dad leaned on us for that guidance, teetering between being our role model and advisor and needing us to be his. May' 06 was my last derby party. Barbaro won. My dad and I tracked his career and fall. I think my dad even cried when Barbaro fell. Little did we know their fates would be almost tied together, in one year, both took a big fall. Dad's life became more and more difficult for him, his mind less and less sharp, and his energy more and more difficult to maintain. But he never lost his spunk. I suspect Barbaro too was fighter to the end. Dad passed in January of '07 just days before Babaro was put down. Today there is no Derby party, but I will be watching the race. And I'll think of my Dad while I watch those horses run with all their heart to accomplish the one thing they were brought up to do, win. Just like my dad, who won the best thing anyone could have in life, everyones love.

Shoot!

I've been in shooting mode for the last three days. That means, my contact with the outside world has been minimal, if at all. But last night, I dragged my tired ass Downtown to hear a friends band play, and it was so worth it. A lovely night on the Elizabeth River with a glorious view of the sunset and some fun folk music, all outside. Once again, it made me long for a chance to live in Norfolk. There is such a different atmosphere down there, I kept thinking of the difference between the venue I was at and one at the beach.

At the beach the band would have been playing Jimmy Buffet or The Eagles. This band was just two people with a guitar sining folk, and comedy type music. The beach everyone would have been half dressed, wild colored shirts, and a there would have been at least one drunk woman, dancing in the middle, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, squealing at a pitch that would make dogs run for cover. This crowd was drinking, talking, interacting with the band, having fun, but not on the verge of being arrested. The beach, the police would have forced everyone who had a drink to stay behind some imaginary line that was mandated by the ABC board. Last night the bike cops came up and hung out for a bit just to listen to the music, and talk to the crowd. No one was ticketed, or removed by force or arrested. I'm probably more of a Norfolk woman, it really is something I should look into. But then, I do like being right down here by the beach too. Maybe I need two homes.